I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
