i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize