And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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