Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
