I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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