yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
