I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
