I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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