i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Randomize
