my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I can't put those talents on a resume
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
