His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
