the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
