i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
