I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
