I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
