This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
