My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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