When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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