I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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