I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
