I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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