This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
