I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just invented taco cereal.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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