We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
