Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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