last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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