why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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