I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
