All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
