You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
