Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
