hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
