Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
