I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
