Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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