I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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