You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
