I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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