Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Randomize
