thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
