There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
