During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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