You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
