i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
