I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
