so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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