A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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