she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
