all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
