I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
