please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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