Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize