3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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