I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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