after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
