just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
