member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize