He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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