Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I wish you could order shots online.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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