hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
