you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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