he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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